Heart Reports

Get started with my new job, not bad and is good to get my self numb by busy work everyday. But still had bad effect from that person , everyday attacking my heart and is killing me. After a few times deep though trough it, finally realise he is that kind of person. He did it but don't realise. This time is truely sure. I always ask GOD "why u want me to meet that person ?" But everything happened after met him , I meant it was myself make it become horrible. But now there is nothing i can do. Heart recovering 60% , still have 40% is damaged. Hope can recover as soon as possible. God bless me.

Report !

Today I will give myself 55 marks. Cause I got think of him a little but I didn't reply his message . I know might hurt him, but I cann't go on like this... at least need to recover from the sickness first.

But I need to minus 10 marks from my mom. She really make me feel stress and wanna run away from home. Is only my sister's wedding, I knew she want my sister to be proud while she step out this house. But the house is already almost perfect but she just keep on cleaning , buy things to decorate and non-stop complaining. Sorry la, our house is not a castle , as long as is clean and not messy then is great already. Hais...really don't know what she thinking.

But having a good start with my new job. My Supervisor very nice. Hope i can;t help her to do more things. Just now spending a great time with my Dear friend , CHloeTiffany. Also realese stress and sadness during chi chat. Great news is received a big present from DAD but i didn't meant want it plus my mom keep jealous me. If she want it take it la, I don't really want it. Another is this coming Sunday gonna do releasing prayer for my sickness , is gonna be a hard time. But my heart seems don't wanna let go him. What should i do .....

My new days....

Today 23 September 2009 now 1:30 a.m...

I will start to my new days diary. So I will try to write this everyday like a myself emotion report .Hope can cure sickness. Today I give myself 50 marks, rarely pass.

Today nothing special , just accompany my parent to buy some stuff for my sister wedding. Its on this coming Saturday. Not really excited , i don't know why, but trough this I saw that my parent really happy and really willing to spend a lot to make make my sister can be proud to marry. And yet I see they really love my sister and I feel a little jealous on her.

I also didn't think much on him today. because is hopeless. Feel excited that my sister need to go karamunsing complex to buy something. I was thinking might meet him , but I didn't meet him. Feel a bit strange with my evening snap, I dream about him. Maybe that call " What u think at day; what u dream at night". Feel myself so stupid to think about him daily. I hope that one day I can speak out all my hates and hurt in front of him, maybe my sickness will cure on that moment.

Well, my new job is gonna start today, need to wake up at 6:45am, but can't really sleep now 1: 48 a.m. and is start raining outside. Hope is a good starting for my life.

Good night myself....and be happy.

Speechless , Hopeless , Emotion Shutdown

Today is the the last day of my terrible , crazy , busy and boring holidays. I don't know should i call these my "holidays". But its seems my terrible days in this years, I lost my job , dump by my ex , been forbidden and abandon. These people who said they love me , care about me or others else suddenly disappear in my life. You know I really rather go back to high school life , not because i don't need to work. Is because I felt that time , I feel more happy and know how to be a human. Nowadays , I'm not really happy and found that i can't really smile deeply from my heart. Although I 'll smile with people but is might only for manner.

During these "Days" I mostly spend my time alone at home or with my family. Everyday eat , online , watch drama and sleep. I found that is my own problem on communicate. Before that i was dare to speak out my own feeling , now I'm really don't know how to speak or sometimes is lazy to speak , prefer trough writing or typing . Alhough before because I dare to speak might cause some troubles. But now not speaking might cause bigger and more troubles. Sometimes , really don't know should i speak or not.

Yes , I'm fully agree with all the bible study teaching i learned. I did try to work out but seems it is really not working on those "Humans" . Yet i tried some which gave me a very bad memories or experience, and also get a bad feedback which make myself more speechless and hopeless. Finally i choose to emotion shut down. Will it be better on me ? I really don't know.

In these "days" , i watch back the famous drama from HK TVB channel " Moonlight Resonance". I like these drama very much and yet I learned some (don't know how to say). SO willing to have a little tried on it. Hopes it will be working on my sickness.

God , please bless me...

Things happened in May 2009

"Time wait for no one" I like this prase very much , kinda meanful to me. Of course, time go by too fast , until I really dont wanna wake up from my dream to face the true. But now is really time to wake up .

Well May for me is quite a happy month . I went to island with friends and we have alot of fun. Meet a new friend which is really alike with me and spend a lot happy & sad moment with him. I'm glad I spend alot great time with Father Lord, He heal my broken heart and I love him so much. Good news is my sister might going to marry in this year and i'm going to be a bride maid again...haha kinda remind me alot of thing in Daniel & Eyvonne's wedding. But i'm guess this time i wanna be a beauty bride maid , not a very " chan kai " one ...hahaha.

Rebuild relationship with Eyvonne, of course ,before we had some misunderstand between . But is really doesn't matter, becuase God let me to learn a very important sessions from this . Things already passed & I already forgive her and Him. I wish they can trust me because i chose to trust them again. I hope everything is fine and dont wish to mess up the relationship we build up very hard. Actually is quite small thing and dont need to complicate the problem. Just like God forgive us and He wont try to remember what we had done wrong. And god also want me to learn to " let go "first ...what i really want in this moment , God always have his own time to make things happen to us.

In this moment , I just hope can resign this job and continue my study. Haha... finally can have my own car but have to look for part time job . Because still need to survive for life...haha have some pocket money while i study. At least now i know what i want or need to do, not like before always confuse. I glad i met this special friend. Hrm ...quite hard to descride the relationship between , more than a friend but not a couple and we both also dont think we will be couple , not kinda possible will happen in the future. People might think we just "ai mei" but actually is totally not that kinda matter. We both been hurt badly before in relationship , so not willing to commit in any relationship first but just need a "伴" to share , to relax , watch movies only. What we want is something very simple. Maybe just a care or an embrace only..only a "Pure friendship".

Maybe people will think why i dont find a female friends to share. Sorry, not i dont want is because they all got married or have boyfriend already. Of course dont have much time for me and also cant understand my feeling at all , cause they all in "honey moon" stage. Once i go out with them , 100% sure they will talk about their problem with their boyfriend. My needs always been ignore. They also like to bring their boyfriend around and 100% sure will have some sweet movement in front of u ...which i can't stand for and also dont wish to see. I'm not hate it but will remind me a lot of sad memory.

With these new friends, we talk and share everythings. Dont need to wearing a mask while hang out , dont need to hide your own true feeling , dont need to afraid will " 嫌弃" each other bad habbits. We always hang out 2 person is because we always talk about very private things , but of course we dont mind join other friends. We both truely know from our we wont become couple...haha weird... He did nice n sweet.. but everything too alike ... i also dont wish to have another "ME" to be my boyfriend..hahaha weird ..we both also wish cant keep this friendship...

Beautiful Child

This is what i have experience this beautiful morning with my dearest Father God. I feel down & tired in my spirit so i pray to God and he told me tat he love me and courage me. So there a melody suddenly came out in my mind...and i just simply , randomly sang out wit some lyric...so nice & relax and been fulfills with His lovesssss...haha i don't know how to play any instrument so i just sang out ....i hope had a memory for this morning so i just wrote down the lyrics here....I will try to record if i could ...and hope can write out a complete song ....so wait for it ..hahaha

This is a song to my dearest Father God . Although is kinda wrote out what He told me ( I think He already heard it : ) love u my Father Lord ).



Beautiful Child
By:Caren

Beautiful Child ,
Beautiful day ,
Beautiful world , Beautiful you
Don't be afraid , Don't be cry my child ,
I'm always be with you.

I know down ,
I know sad ,
I know u tired , I know been hurt,
Please stay close with me & believe me ,
I'm always love you , child.

Oh~~beautiful child ~
beautiful Lord~
your beautiful love ~

East Week #10 “WE ALL NEED FORGIVENESS”

Recently, when I read the many negative reports in Hong Kong media concerning celebrities who have made mistakes or were angry at one another, my heart was broken. Although, I don’t want to comment about any one person involved in these situations, I do feel the need to talk about the need for forgiveness.

My hope and prayer is that we as a people would learn to forgive as we have been forgiven. No one is perfect and we all need forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes and we are all in need of God’s grace. I’m a pastor, but I am far from perfect. I have made many mistakes in the past and I’m sure I will make more mistakes in the future. I am only human as are you. Each of us is ridden with sin and in need of God’s mercy. I pray that we can learn to extend forgiveness to one another, because bitterness, hatred and anger will only end in death.

May we all continue to pray for each of the artists who have been hurt for their healing & restoration, may we show them compassion for each one is a precious child of God. I hope that we can learn to forgive and give each other a second chance. Hatred never wins. Forgiveness is the only answer. I pray the hurt will turn to healing. I pray the hatred will turn to love.
For many people who have been hurt by another, forgiveness is next to impossible. It is impossible to live this life on earth without getting hurt, mistreated, misunderstood, wronged, rejected, lied to or offended. Many of us don’t know how to forgive, because we don’t know what forgiveness really is. Let me explain what forgiveness is not, before I explain what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is not…

• Forgiveness is not forgetting: We can’t pretend it didn’t happen. It did happen, and we need to retain the lesson learned without holding onto the pain. The word “forget” does not mean to “put out of one’s mind in the Bible, it means to “let go.” It means that we are not going to allow the experiences of the past to dominate our future and to prevent us from becoming all that God has planned we should become.
• Forgiveness is not avoidance: Forgiveness is not making light of something we find hurtful. It is not saying, “it doesn’t matter” by not acknowledging the wrong that was done. That is being dishonest. We must recognize the wrong done & choose to forgive.
• Forgiveness is not excusing: Forgiveness is not denying that the one who has caused the hurt is responsible for their actions. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed.
• Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue in sin: Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors; nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or in the future.
• Forgiveness is not reconciliation: Forgiveness may lead to reconciliation or it may not, but they are not the same. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance, while choosing to still release to them forgiveness.

What is forgiveness then? In the New Testament “to forgive” literally means to “let go” or “cancel a debt.” It is to let go of the person who has offended you and to cancel all wrongs done against you by choosing to not recall a person’s sins to mind against them. Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. Genuine forgiveness–pardoning an inexcusable, devastating injury–is a miracle. Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It may not take away the hurt. It does not deny the past injury. It does not ignore the possibility and need for repentance and a change in the relationship. Forgiveness is a choice–a faith decision–not to hold a sin against a person any longer. How do we do this?

• Forgive others because you have been forgiven: No one is perfect. Jesus said, “Let he who has no sin cast the first stone.” He said this when a woman was caught in adultery and others wanted to punish her sinful act. God has forgiven us, therefore we must not judge others, but forgive others.
• Forgive others by faith not feeling: Forgiveness is an act of faith. It is a choice of our will, not our emotions. By faith we forgive by trusting God to give us the strength to do what He commands us to do.
• Forgive others because un-forgiveness only hurts yourself and others: When we choose to forgive, we are releasing ourselves from the negative feelings of bitterness, hatred, resentment and anger that hurt us mentally, physically and emotionally. Also, when we choose to forgive the one who hurt us, it releases them to find repentance and healing from their sins.
• Forgive others by speaking it out loud: Forgive the offender by saying “I release you. I let you go. I let go of this offence. I cancel your debt. You owe me nothing now. I renounce my desire to get even with you. God has forgiven me, so I now forgive you.” Amen.

It has been said that forgiveness is the only way in which the power of sin in the world can be absorbed, neutralized and brought to nothing. As Christ has forgiven us may we extend forgiveness to others who have caused us pain; forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you, for hurting me. Let’s choose to forgive today it will make Hong Kong and the world a better place. Forgiveness is love, and love is freedom.

God bless,

Pastor Jaeson Ma

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

Year 2009~~~

2009年的开头真的又开心又伤心。连自己都不知道发生什么事了， 时间过的有点快，转眼有到了MARCH！！

开心的事：我经历了很多神的恩典，在工作上。可以说跟神的关系更进一步了，吵开心 Yeah !! 小组和教会又新的模式，又有晨祷（晨祷很棒）所以灵命成长了许多。当然夜游不少的压力，需要时间适应。但这是好的，因为神要提升我们的生命。另外，值得开心的是，这么多年以为已经冰冷的心终于找回了感觉，就是有喜欢的人了。还又再神的事工上更接近了，虽然还没开始但我非常期待又有一点害怕。心里深知这一段路会非常的辛苦，但是自己喜欢和想做的事，又可以服侍神。。。。一切都值得啦~~~哈哈

不开心事：New Year Eve 12月31 日，新年§ 情人节都过的不开心。“他”一次又一次的让我失望和心痛。好像故意要伤害我的心，只有我单方面的付出，现在想回去真的觉得“很傻，很蠢”。心想，这个人到底值不值得我这么用心的去爱“他“ 呢？ 想想如果”他“ 能够因着我能够认识神，生命得救，就算跟”他“ 不是永远的， 也觉得“非常的值得”。因为知道是一个“宝贵的灵魂”也深知上帝非常爱“他”，所以才坚持到现在，当然也因为我在乎和爱“他“。但每一次想接近“他”，“他”又逃避。这真的是肉体跟精神上的折磨。情人节更是把我气死了，满心期待“他” 会为我庆祝，还买了礼物送他。结果连一个SMS都没有，还说什么狗屁理由。我又不是要他送我什么名贵礼物，也不是要他带我吃什么情人节大餐，只想跟他有机会谈一谈我们的事，让彼此更了解和清楚对方的感觉。并没有要他马上答应我什么或是马上为我改变他自己。我知道这一切都需要时间，至少也得让“他”感觉还有人会关心他，爱他和保护他。可是连这机会他都不给，不知道“他”在想什么。连小小的希望都不给，真的伤透了我的心~~~~现在也不知道要怎么面对“他",也没有脸见“他”。我长这么大还是第一次倒追男孩，想想自己的脸皮还真够“厚”。再给“他”半年的时间，如果“他”再没行动我就放弃了。我只觉得可惜了~~~~


我现在非常需要朋友，但朋友大部分到有了另一半，还真伤脑筋又要当“电灯泡”真的不好意思。或许长大了，开始好想有个依靠，但不想随便乱找，所以的忍耐等候吧，相信上帝的美好祝福。Yeah!!! 打起精神来!! 加油加油！！